I am the hurricane.

Some days, I feel like a hurricane.

I am horrible, angry, violent, uncontrollable.

And some days, I don't.

Unfortunately, the days I feel like a hurricane are the best. When I feel this way, I don't feel the pain. I don't hate myself... or I don't hate myself as much as I do when I am the hurricane. Because the days that I don't, I feel more like an avalanche. I am cold, and hopefully for you I am distant, because I am falling apart at a rapid pace. The avalanche is the worst. There is nothing as bad as trying to keep yourself together when your emotions are ripping you apart. I imagine it like one of those collapsing toys you played with when you're a child. Something presses the button, and I'm on the ground... and no matter how hard I try, my completely broken self will stay broken until the button is no longer pressed. I don't know what presses the button. I hate whatever it is. I hate being powerless to some unknown source. The mind is funny, isn't it? When my depression pushes the button, I fall apart. I know it's all in my head, but despite it just all being in my head, no matter how I think, it doesn't get better. I had a panic attack walking to my car from work today. I got in my car, and I sat there. I couldn't move. I just wanted to go home, I wanted to put the key in the ignition and drive away, but I just sat there, completely powerless to my monster. I could here the faint positive voice in my head, "Put the key in the ignition, please just do it and we can go home, put the key in the ignition." I sat there for thirty minutes and did nothing but grow more angry with myself. It got to the point where I was literally screaming at myself to just drive home, and I couldn't. My mind is in a war, and my side is losing. I want to be happy. I want to be normal. I don't think I ever will be. So, I embrace the hurricane. I embrace the rage. At least then, I don't have to worry about wanting to die. I just let the rage consume me, and I violently exist. It's a horrible alternative, but for now it's one I will take. I am the hurricane.